Lucas Michael Roberts

Feb. 25, 2010:
I got home last night from my old home (from Petrolia [which is finally on Google Street View] to Toronto). I had a really good time back home. It was very successful, and fun. My mom just got out of surgery, and was transported back home, so we had a really good time talking. While she was in the hospital, she did a lot of thinking about how blessed her children are. My brother and sister (both older than I) sat in her room as she laid in pain and talked to her. She was crying and telling us how grateful she is that she has three really healthy, good looking, children that are all in University and living out the dreams we have always had. My sister (21) is married and starting a drop in centre for kids in low-income houses (like freedom writers). My brother (22) is dating a girl in England and just got accepted to Keele University in Northern England; he is a writer and researcher in English and History. And I (19 in a month exactly) am living in Toronto, writing music and getting gigs, and studying Human Services and Sociology. My mother had a lot of time to think about who we are as a family and be proud of us. This was a very touching moment as a child of such a broken family.
My brother and I recorded a song on Monday for one of his classes. It was a medley of five songs from the American South in the 1930s and earlier. The songs were typical Black Spiritual songs so we, as two white boys, maybe brutalized it. But I really like the final outcome. I did most of the instruments, and my brother did Trumpet and helped to produce the song. I was impressed with his musical knowledge after being out of the loops since high school. He still knows how to write score music a lot more than me. Crazy!
I spent some quality time with my cousin as well, he is going through some hard times (he is 16) so I tried to empathize with him. His parents are going through some hard times too, so I think he liked to just Jam with me and escape that stress. He played Piano and I played Acoustic guitar. That was really fun. He is good!
So now, I am home in Toronto. My sister and brother in-law rearranged the apartment, and I love it!
I cleaned my room really good. And that feels good too...

Feb. 25, 2010:
Once again, it has been a while since my last post. I maybe shouldn't say that I will update this all the time, that puts a limit on how much time I spend away from my MacBook.
I played a wicked gig last Saturday night. I honestly played 10 songs in 35 minutes. I know that it sounds like my songs must be easy and small, but they are just normal songs. I didn't talk to the audience a lot, but did make them laugh a few times. The show was a battle of the bands style so most of the bands were sixteen year old's trying to impress their parents with three cover songs that they spent hours and hours learning in the basement jam room. I just played a bunch of random songs from my life that I have written. I started by saying, "I, unlike the other bands, am going to play all originals; except for a few covers from my first album, so they are originals too". Then, I played. I only forgot one lyric the whole night, which is a drastic difference from other shows that I have played. I loved playing.
After the show, I did rounds to different groups of friends saying Hello and Thank you for coming. That is a fun part of the night. I settled down with a friend from work and her friends. We hung out for a few hours after the show. We went to McDonalds and to a random mall on Yonge and Eglington. I am really excited about this because I now have a group of friends that are decent! They are all going to come over on Friday for Nachos and a movie.
I am now going to write another blog, but it is so different, I will just make a new one.

Feb. 17, 2010:
I have not blogged for a few days simply because I have been absolutely swamped with business. I cannot believe how quickly a day goes by when all of a sudden it is morning again.
I have been getting ready for my two shows coming up. I am excited and nervous for two reasons: I just wrote these songs, so I am not fully confident on singing the lyrics properly (I forget them a lot) and because I am so used to getting hyper when I am on stage, but I want to just be chill and relaxed. My new songs are lower, so if I am hyper or adrenalin is running through my veins, then I might not be able to hit all the low notes. I am a bit scared. But I am really excited because the people who are coming to see me have not really seen me perform before, so they will see the new music and perfected voice.
Today, I took resumés out to a local mall. I dropped a total of ten off at various stores including: NoFrills, Canadian Tire, Zellers, the Pickle Barrel, Subway, Shoppers Drug Mart, Le Chateau, Stiches and The Bay. Now, the last three are the best because they would be something that I have never done before: clothing service. Le Chateau is actually my favourite because it is all womens fashion. When I took my resumé the manager and associate checked me out [I was looking pretty stellar today] and then asked if I realized that it was all womens fashion to which I responded "yes, I am aware. I would love to work here". Then, I walked up with my clicking shoes to these old ladies at the Bay and they checked me out. I asked if I could drop a resume off and they were both like "YES!"
\\Ego Booster//

Today is Pancake Tuesday, the day before Ash Wednesday. I had pancakes yesterday, so I had a leftover one this morning. I really liked it. We put slivers of apple in the pancake mix, so it was really tastie.

For Lent, I have no idea what to give up. I am prodestant, so I have never practiced Lent, but I might this year. I have not yet decided.

For now, I am leaving. I will write more frequently again, but maybe not this week. That also, I have yet to decide.

Feb. 13, 2010:
I just finished watching Avatar.
...
Speechless.





today was boring; I woke up at 12:30. I recorded and ate. I went to sleep at 3:40. I woke up at 6:00. I went for McDonalds at 9:00. I watched Avatar. I wrote a blog. I went to sleep.

Feb. 13, 2010:
I am sorry I didn't write yesterday. T'was a long day.
I had class in the morning, it was really long, and boring. I feel like I haven't learned much in that class. Old Testament Scriptures. I just don't really understand his teaching style.
Then, I hung out in one of my good girl friends rooms with two of my good friends (the one that I dated for a bit and then my really close bestie :P lol)...
I hate that type of language.
I love hanging out with them, more than anything. It is really good to know they are always there.
I came home, I got a ride with my ex-girlfriend (I hate that word too). It was good because there are just no hard feelings. I love it. Also, her mom is pretty cool, so I got to talk to her too.
I gotta start giving my friends names, I am just scared that they will all get upset and internet creeps like YOU will find them and cut off their limbs.
Then, my dad and his girlfriend came over. Now, this is a man with a good heart, but not always so smooth. I don't know. One day, I will describe him better. My sister and I had some things we wanted to talk to him about, just letting him know how we have felt about some things like the divorce in 2001 and things all leading up to now, but we were enjoying the conversation a lot, and there was not a lot of openings to ruin it with angst. So we didn't.
I stayed up too late last night. I was writing a new song, which will probably be really cool when it is done, but I could have done it all today instead. I wrote a piano part yesterday. That was cool.
Eating Macaroni and Cheese gets so boring.

Feb. 11, 2010:
It is late, once again. And, once again, I had an okay day.
I woke up at around 12:30. A good sleep last night led to a good day. I had two coffees, then another coffee: all while playing my guitar to a medley that I have mentioned earlier. After the coffee and guitar (which again, was a long and painful process), I had a bath. I just lay there submersed in the warm water. I started to wrinkle up, so I got out. I have low blood sugar, and today was a very strange amount of death-like feeling. I barely made it out of the tub, then I didn't even dry my hair. I could hardly make my hands reach my head. I stumbled out of the bathroom and made my way to my room. I struggled to put some clothes on and walked to the kitchen. I immediately put some oatmeal in the microwave, which is on top of the fridge. I was shaking so bad I almost dropped the bowl. Then, I sat at the table and waited for the beeper to go off. It seemed like forever. Then, I had to actually use my arm strength to get me out of the chair. I added some brown sugar and maple syrup to the bowl and shoveled it into my mouth. I then chugged some coke, for a quick bit of sugar, and then sat in silence until I regained some strength. It was scary, but I am okay!

Later, I wrote an essay that is due next week. I don't know why I wrote it so early. I just did. I guess I am excited because the more time I spend on it, the better mark I will get. It just makes sense.

My mom is having surgery tomorrow. I am scared for her, but know that God will help her through it. She has had a terrible back her whole life, but this year has been absolute spasm all year. It hasn't been easy. Any ways, she is having a disk taken out, and a bone transfusion.
Now, my mom is fairly humorous, sorta like myself. I would say I get my jokes from her. I am a plagiarist. Her dr. told her she was getting a donor bone and she laughed out loud. She repeted, "hmm...sir, a Donor Boner?" ... she told me after that he, out of all the doctors, was the only one that was not funny, in fact, he almost choked when she said "boner".

I watched SlumDog Millionaire. This was incredible. I am sure you all know about it already, so I won't bore you. It was simply inspirational. The camera shots were magnificant and the acting was smooth. I liked the flashback sequence. I liked the language and the use of subtitles. This was all intriguing. \\ my friends are going on a missions trip to India this summer. I am fearful that they will get caught in any of those areas, but again, God will have His hand over them.

Goodnight.

Feb. 10, 2010:
Today was a decent day. I had a philosophy exam in the morning which I think I did ... well, I passed. I stumbled on only one question. Actually, this is MY blog, I think that maybe I only did okay, but I did pass.
Also, lets see. I want to be more honest. Like, it is crazy. Sometimes, even today, I am writing something that is more readable than emotional. I don't know. I will try to write more of my simple feelings. Tell me what you think.

I am working on composing a medley of old songs with my brother. I am not totally sure what the project is for. I think it is for one of his History classes. Any ways, he is going to come here on his reading week and we will record a bunch. He plays trumpet, so we wrote out all the sheet music; he will play trumpet and arrange it, I will record it and play the instruments other than that. Any ways, it is going to be hard to plan it all out - like, really hard. Even tonight, we were kind of fighting over key and chord structures...

Recently my back has been in some sort of a spasm. While I was in the tub yesterday, I was trying to think my way out of pain ... it didn't work. I am going to go to the hospital soon and talk to a rheumatoid arthritis specialist. I am scared because I am only 18. Also, like, back in the summer when I was diagnosed with it, I just thought it was funny; but now, I am scared and thinking more and more about my future. Like, if I barely make it out of bed in the morning because my joints just seize, and have to toss and turn to get out of pain to make myself fall asleep, and can't keep up with the guys in sports, how am I going to wake up early to make my wife breakfast in bed, how will I make love to her into the night, and how will I work all day and still run around with my kids all night? I am just scared of growing old too fast. Even now, my fingers hurt a bit and my legs and back are in a lot of pain. It is stupid.

Feb. 9, 2010:
Today I woke up at noon. I was going to start writing an essay right away, but then I wanted to wake up a bit more, so I showered and got dressed, then started writing. I wrote for about 6 hours. And only got three pages done. William Wordsworth is an incredible poet. I really like, and respect, that he uses words that the layperson would understand in that era, the romantic era.



I am just about to go to bed, it is about 1:04am, Feb. 10th. I just had a really relaxing shower. I put my head underwater so that only my nose was out. I was instantly struck with such a consciousness that I had only felt a few times before. I was aware of every noise going on above the water. From the cats paws on the hardwood to the drip in the kitchen sink. I could hear my brother in-law walking to his bedroom and the creek in the floorboards above our apartment. I was aware of the furnace working to warm the house, and the draft coming in the window. I knew what song Sufjan Steves was singing to me through my macbook, and most importantly, I could hear my heart beat. At first, I thought that the resonating thump was just another noise. Then, as I moved my hand ever so slowly to my neck, and felt the pulse. I heard each thump at the same time as my veins jumped out of my neck. This sensation was absolutely entrancing. I could not believe it. Only twice in my life had I heard my heart beat, and one time I was high so it doesn't count (it was probably just my hand wandering to a drum or someone whispering to me "thump thump") But this time, as I lay under the coconut/lime water, I heard my heart beat.

Earlier tonight, at around 7:30, a friend of ours came over. My sister and her have known each other for quite some time, and I have gotten to know her this year as well. There was supposed to be a few girls come for a ladies night, but only this specific one could make it. We talked about a lot of different things, but it always came back to her ex-boyfriend. He is a singer at our church, and just got engaged and bought a condominium. She was not jealous, or envious by any means, but needed someone to talk to about what she was feeling. Just to vent. And my sister and I were perfect because we were hearing it all for the first time. At the end of it, she went home - across the street, literally across the street - and went online to email me a change in schedule. She thanked me (us) for having her over, and I explained that it was perfect that she only came, not the other girls because my sister and I are stressed about some things that will soon come, and it would have been a lot for us to have a bunch of people over. She agreed that it was perfect timing because she really wanted to be able to vent about things. Neither of us expected it, but it was very healthy. It is so obvious that God put this event in place to give us all what we needed today. It is so amazing to have things like this, things that are so tangible, happen in our day-to-day lives.

Feb. 8, 2010:
Today was a packed day. Very emotional.
This morning, I woke up after not sleeping. I am stuck because I want so badly to keep the connection to Tyndale, but I just don't honestly think I can stay there overnight a lot. It was not healthy for me. I have a head ache still and I didn't wash my hair properly.
This afternoon, I had class, it was very good.
This afternoon (2), I had counseling. Wow. I actually learn so much about myself going to that thing. I am learning right now to be real with my feelings. Acknowledge them as real and true and be conscious of them in my life. It is hard because I have never really done this. I have always just made excuses for others feelings, making them all very reasonable and justified by what I do. For example: My step dad gets upset when I make a wrong choice, but him being upset is not something that I can change. I do not need to strive for his approval, I need to live justly and Godly, and in turn, will be "approved". Also, I am just going back through my life dealing with sadness that I have always mistaken for something else. For example (once again): When my parents broke up, I always naturally - or not so naturally - thought well it is better that way because we are all in better condition because it is good. happy happy happy. When really, I am sad. Not confused, anxious, disappointed, upset. Just sad. But, I am happy because I am not going through this right now, it is happening retrospectively. So I won't end up depressed because I am in a good mood these days.
This afternoon (3), I went grocery shopping with my sister.
This afternoon (4), I talked to my dad on the phone. He and his girlfriend are going to come to our house for dinner and we have some things we are all going to talk about together. I am nervous, but at the same time excited to get some stuff out on the table that we are all feeling. I mean, there are a lot of hurt feelings that my sister and I have, and probably some that my dad has, so it will be good to get it all figured out. But at the same time, I am scared that I will end up being hurt more, or that something I say will hurt my dad.
This evening, my sister and I talked about the divorce. What a wretched thing to talk about. We both have so much saddness that we have never confessed, persay. My sister and I connect more with eachother than with my brother. Not about all things, but especially about the divorce era in our lives. So we talked about things we never really talked about before, and that was encouraging.
Tonight (1), I have been looking at songs to play for church on Sunday. I am going to lead a few songs, so I have to pick them. I picked a Sufjan Stevens song, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, to play. I really like it because it is like, an old hymn but new and groovey too.
This is the song:

Tonight (2), I emailed my grandparents. I love them. They really support me in what I do, and love my family so much, even through the hardest times. I like to update them on my life randomly. So it was good.

Feb. 7, 2010:
Today, was a good day. I woke up early, showered and was refreshed by the cold water; the tenants upstairs did laundry therefore hot water was slim. I then went to church at 8:30 to practice for the worship team. We played a lot of song, and for the first time, I was playing electric guitar. I play a Washburn House of Blues guitar out of a Fender JAM amp, with a Boss ME20 effects processor and a DOD multi-effects processor. I had some really good sounds today. I also really enjoyed playing electric. I didn't realize how much I knew how to do with the solo aspect of playing lead. I was all over that fretboard! I was complimented a lot, but somehow I am still humble. I think that I have been blessed with this humility. It is a good trait.
Then, like the past three weeks, I went home with my sister and brother in-law and played Carcassone (an amazing board game sort of like Risk), and had a 30minute nap. Today, I was a lot more interested in the nap than the Carcassonne. Anyways, after my nap, I woke up refreshed and went to the deli.
I like working on Sundays because a good friend of mine works as well, so we do the weekly catch-up and laze around all day until somehow, everything is done. We talked a lot tonight about my arms. Another good friend of mine complimented my arms, and now, I think I have become conceited. Not legitimately, but I do notice them in the mirror. We also talked a lot about family things; I asked her to describe her brother and what family dinner time is all about. She answered with merely satisfactory answers. I still don't know her brother, and her meals seem to be boring.
Now, I am at the Tyndale Residence. I am going to be staying here overnight so that I can go to Uncovered - a worship service held here biweekly. I used to live here, from July until December, but then some financial and relational things (along with the bad cafeteria food) happened that lead to me moving in with my sister. Now, I have this really nice apartment with my sister and her husband. We all love it so much! I miss the guys here at res. though. They are good guys; my best friends. Any ways, that was incredibly off topic. I am staying here tonight. That is pretty much it.
If I have more to add, I will add it later.

Here is the latter part:
I am still in Residence tonight! :) It has been a great night so far. We are all kind of just sitting around on our computers. But it isn't bad. I didn't realize how much I missed these guys.
Uncovered was really good. A girl was leading with Acoustic guitar, there was three other singers, a djembe, and a lead acoustic. It was quaint and simple, but powerful. One of the guys was not around yet, he had to go fix someones car, but the other friend and I went in, fashionably late. We met up with a couple good girl friends, and started worshiping God. The leader started talking about letting things in our lives be a weapon against us. It was interesting because I have been feeling like that, things like deciet, that are not working for me and my well-being, but against me and my efficient life. Any ways, we broke off to pray in groups, so my three friends and I sat in a circle and prayed. It was so powerful to hear their words again. I have not spent a lof of time here with them, so it was absolutely amazing to have that connection once again. After the service, I felt very relieved. Like a realization made so much sense to me.
Once again, I had another recognition moment today, which I did not write about yet. I was walking to the school after work and looked up at the stars. I simply said, within one week, the Lord created the universe and me. (I can barely write an essay in a week). So I want touse what I have been given to enhance the world. Does that make sense?

This blog just keeps going, sorry.
Sign off...

Feb. 6, 2010:
Even though it is actually the seventh, I am still writing of yesterday, because I haven't gone to sleep yet. It is only 1:00am. Any ways, today was interesting. I woke up early, with a bit of a head ache and pasty mouth; I had been drinking wine with a friend the night before. I didn't have a hard time getting up. But I did take my time. I didn't shower, maybe I should have. But I went to work at 3:30, after a nap at 2:00. Usually work is really slow and I just stand around doing not much of anything for my whole shift. But today had some contrast, and that was good. But it was a great difference. Because there was a sale on Chicken Wings, Thirty for $20.oo, there was a line up all night. It was a terrible thing. We sold so many chicken wings. Actually, we sold eight boxes of four bags which each held 55 wings. That is 1, 760 chicken wings. Wow, that is approximately 440 Chickens that died for one Saturday night sale at ValuMart. Incredible eh?
Then I got home and ate some wings, obviously I needed more of that in my day, and wrote down my set list for the Six Degrees Club gig I am going to play (Feb. 20, contact me for tickets). I wanted, and still am working on, to get my set list to have some order - not just random songs. I was thinking about doing it longest to shortest in length, fastest to slowest, hardest to easiest. Then I thought about content; what are my songs about. I came up with an okay list that goes like this. The Bleachers, The Fog, Uncertainty, When You Call My Name, The Wind, Blow and Sway (not recorded), Divorce, Maniac, and If I had One More Day. Now, I like this list for three reasons. The first two are fun, humorous, and quick - a good way to start a show. Uncertainty will probably be moved, but the other ones follow a chronological order. The beginning of a relationship (including Bleachers) to the falling apart (Divorce) to the Hatred (Maniac) to the death (If I had One More Day). Therefore, if people know my songs they will listen for this placement of songs and realize that my heart is here, not just my writing.

Lastly, tonight I decided I really like plain Earl Grey Tea. I know it is so "normal" but right now, I chose to drink Lipton Green Tea, and I just love my Presidents Choice Earl Grey much better. And I have tried all these Teatley Tea flavours, and all different Herbal teas, and I still love my Earl Grey. I mean, Lemon tea is still really good, and LemonHoneySweetGrass (teatley) is amazing, but I am ALWAYS in the mood for Earl Grey

Feb. 5, 2010: Today, I sat and talked with a really close friend of mine. Her and I tried dating once, but we were way better friends. I really just love talking with her, she's very insightful. While we were talking about some of my friendships being rough right now, I realized that I was talking a lot; but when I opened it up for her to talk too, she was very quick to let me know examples of her life that applied to my situation. It was amazing. I learned a lot. Also, I was in Hebrew Scriptures class, and decided that I need to read more. I did ... not so well ... on a test today. It was not fun. And this girl I was talking to, mentioned above, also didn't do amazing. But she was more affected by it, encouraging me to do better so that I can feel good about myself.

Feb. 4, 2010: Today, I was talking to a friend on the phone, it was really nice. She and I talked a bit about the below post. She agreed, that it is not the point of this really interesting anecdote to change how we live, but be mindful of it. She made an interesting point that differed from mine. (recap: mine was that we should be grateful for things we have and not take it for granted) She took from it this: We should not let the things that we have (i.e. mac, starbucks, cigar, clothes) define who we are. Who we are is found in God, first of all, in how we treat people, in how we act when we are alone and in the characteristics that build us a an individual. I really like this. Next in my day; I worked. I like my job (the deli at a grocery store). I worked with a girl who's in grade 10. It is really fun to work with her because she is talkative and has a very intelligent sense of humor. We worked really hard tonight to get customers because there is talk of the store closing, or cutting hours, and we both really need the money. That was fun. To take ownership of a job is what makes it or breaks it. I really like working now; I feel accomplished when I go home.

Feb. 3, 2010: Today, I was in the Eatons Centre. I walked in after smoking a cigar, then I went to the Apple store, then to get a Starbucks coffee at Indigo Book Store. These things that I did have meaning. Heck, I don't even like cigars. I do like the idea of smoking one, and the culture surrounding it. I like Macs, but really had no need to go to the Apple store. I love coffee, but mostly just wanted a Starbucks from Indigo to look like an intellectual who reads. :) When I was walking out of the book store, I saw an ugly old man straddling a bench, reading a book, and drinking Tim Hortans coffee. He was everything I wasn't in that moment. Content with what he had, and not trying to be something more. It was really eye opening. I probably will be changed by it. Humbled. I do know one thing, that maybe other people don't recognize. It is not that I need to change who I am, but just change my attitude about it. I need not take things for granted. It is a long road, and blessings are not for the hard-hearted. They are for the meek, humble, and wise. I hope to remember tonight. (when I wrote and recorded Divorce)