Lucas Michael Roberts

Feb. 8, 2010:
Today was a packed day. Very emotional.
This morning, I woke up after not sleeping. I am stuck because I want so badly to keep the connection to Tyndale, but I just don't honestly think I can stay there overnight a lot. It was not healthy for me. I have a head ache still and I didn't wash my hair properly.
This afternoon, I had class, it was very good.
This afternoon (2), I had counseling. Wow. I actually learn so much about myself going to that thing. I am learning right now to be real with my feelings. Acknowledge them as real and true and be conscious of them in my life. It is hard because I have never really done this. I have always just made excuses for others feelings, making them all very reasonable and justified by what I do. For example: My step dad gets upset when I make a wrong choice, but him being upset is not something that I can change. I do not need to strive for his approval, I need to live justly and Godly, and in turn, will be "approved". Also, I am just going back through my life dealing with sadness that I have always mistaken for something else. For example (once again): When my parents broke up, I always naturally - or not so naturally - thought well it is better that way because we are all in better condition because it is good. happy happy happy. When really, I am sad. Not confused, anxious, disappointed, upset. Just sad. But, I am happy because I am not going through this right now, it is happening retrospectively. So I won't end up depressed because I am in a good mood these days.
This afternoon (3), I went grocery shopping with my sister.
This afternoon (4), I talked to my dad on the phone. He and his girlfriend are going to come to our house for dinner and we have some things we are all going to talk about together. I am nervous, but at the same time excited to get some stuff out on the table that we are all feeling. I mean, there are a lot of hurt feelings that my sister and I have, and probably some that my dad has, so it will be good to get it all figured out. But at the same time, I am scared that I will end up being hurt more, or that something I say will hurt my dad.
This evening, my sister and I talked about the divorce. What a wretched thing to talk about. We both have so much saddness that we have never confessed, persay. My sister and I connect more with eachother than with my brother. Not about all things, but especially about the divorce era in our lives. So we talked about things we never really talked about before, and that was encouraging.
Tonight (1), I have been looking at songs to play for church on Sunday. I am going to lead a few songs, so I have to pick them. I picked a Sufjan Stevens song, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, to play. I really like it because it is like, an old hymn but new and groovey too.
This is the song:

Tonight (2), I emailed my grandparents. I love them. They really support me in what I do, and love my family so much, even through the hardest times. I like to update them on my life randomly. So it was good.

Feb. 7, 2010:
Today, was a good day. I woke up early, showered and was refreshed by the cold water; the tenants upstairs did laundry therefore hot water was slim. I then went to church at 8:30 to practice for the worship team. We played a lot of song, and for the first time, I was playing electric guitar. I play a Washburn House of Blues guitar out of a Fender JAM amp, with a Boss ME20 effects processor and a DOD multi-effects processor. I had some really good sounds today. I also really enjoyed playing electric. I didn't realize how much I knew how to do with the solo aspect of playing lead. I was all over that fretboard! I was complimented a lot, but somehow I am still humble. I think that I have been blessed with this humility. It is a good trait.
Then, like the past three weeks, I went home with my sister and brother in-law and played Carcassone (an amazing board game sort of like Risk), and had a 30minute nap. Today, I was a lot more interested in the nap than the Carcassonne. Anyways, after my nap, I woke up refreshed and went to the deli.
I like working on Sundays because a good friend of mine works as well, so we do the weekly catch-up and laze around all day until somehow, everything is done. We talked a lot tonight about my arms. Another good friend of mine complimented my arms, and now, I think I have become conceited. Not legitimately, but I do notice them in the mirror. We also talked a lot about family things; I asked her to describe her brother and what family dinner time is all about. She answered with merely satisfactory answers. I still don't know her brother, and her meals seem to be boring.
Now, I am at the Tyndale Residence. I am going to be staying here overnight so that I can go to Uncovered - a worship service held here biweekly. I used to live here, from July until December, but then some financial and relational things (along with the bad cafeteria food) happened that lead to me moving in with my sister. Now, I have this really nice apartment with my sister and her husband. We all love it so much! I miss the guys here at res. though. They are good guys; my best friends. Any ways, that was incredibly off topic. I am staying here tonight. That is pretty much it.
If I have more to add, I will add it later.

Here is the latter part:
I am still in Residence tonight! :) It has been a great night so far. We are all kind of just sitting around on our computers. But it isn't bad. I didn't realize how much I missed these guys.
Uncovered was really good. A girl was leading with Acoustic guitar, there was three other singers, a djembe, and a lead acoustic. It was quaint and simple, but powerful. One of the guys was not around yet, he had to go fix someones car, but the other friend and I went in, fashionably late. We met up with a couple good girl friends, and started worshiping God. The leader started talking about letting things in our lives be a weapon against us. It was interesting because I have been feeling like that, things like deciet, that are not working for me and my well-being, but against me and my efficient life. Any ways, we broke off to pray in groups, so my three friends and I sat in a circle and prayed. It was so powerful to hear their words again. I have not spent a lof of time here with them, so it was absolutely amazing to have that connection once again. After the service, I felt very relieved. Like a realization made so much sense to me.
Once again, I had another recognition moment today, which I did not write about yet. I was walking to the school after work and looked up at the stars. I simply said, within one week, the Lord created the universe and me. (I can barely write an essay in a week). So I want touse what I have been given to enhance the world. Does that make sense?

This blog just keeps going, sorry.
Sign off...

Feb. 6, 2010:
Even though it is actually the seventh, I am still writing of yesterday, because I haven't gone to sleep yet. It is only 1:00am. Any ways, today was interesting. I woke up early, with a bit of a head ache and pasty mouth; I had been drinking wine with a friend the night before. I didn't have a hard time getting up. But I did take my time. I didn't shower, maybe I should have. But I went to work at 3:30, after a nap at 2:00. Usually work is really slow and I just stand around doing not much of anything for my whole shift. But today had some contrast, and that was good. But it was a great difference. Because there was a sale on Chicken Wings, Thirty for $20.oo, there was a line up all night. It was a terrible thing. We sold so many chicken wings. Actually, we sold eight boxes of four bags which each held 55 wings. That is 1, 760 chicken wings. Wow, that is approximately 440 Chickens that died for one Saturday night sale at ValuMart. Incredible eh?
Then I got home and ate some wings, obviously I needed more of that in my day, and wrote down my set list for the Six Degrees Club gig I am going to play (Feb. 20, contact me for tickets). I wanted, and still am working on, to get my set list to have some order - not just random songs. I was thinking about doing it longest to shortest in length, fastest to slowest, hardest to easiest. Then I thought about content; what are my songs about. I came up with an okay list that goes like this. The Bleachers, The Fog, Uncertainty, When You Call My Name, The Wind, Blow and Sway (not recorded), Divorce, Maniac, and If I had One More Day. Now, I like this list for three reasons. The first two are fun, humorous, and quick - a good way to start a show. Uncertainty will probably be moved, but the other ones follow a chronological order. The beginning of a relationship (including Bleachers) to the falling apart (Divorce) to the Hatred (Maniac) to the death (If I had One More Day). Therefore, if people know my songs they will listen for this placement of songs and realize that my heart is here, not just my writing.

Lastly, tonight I decided I really like plain Earl Grey Tea. I know it is so "normal" but right now, I chose to drink Lipton Green Tea, and I just love my Presidents Choice Earl Grey much better. And I have tried all these Teatley Tea flavours, and all different Herbal teas, and I still love my Earl Grey. I mean, Lemon tea is still really good, and LemonHoneySweetGrass (teatley) is amazing, but I am ALWAYS in the mood for Earl Grey

Feb. 5, 2010: Today, I sat and talked with a really close friend of mine. Her and I tried dating once, but we were way better friends. I really just love talking with her, she's very insightful. While we were talking about some of my friendships being rough right now, I realized that I was talking a lot; but when I opened it up for her to talk too, she was very quick to let me know examples of her life that applied to my situation. It was amazing. I learned a lot. Also, I was in Hebrew Scriptures class, and decided that I need to read more. I did ... not so well ... on a test today. It was not fun. And this girl I was talking to, mentioned above, also didn't do amazing. But she was more affected by it, encouraging me to do better so that I can feel good about myself.

Feb. 4, 2010: Today, I was talking to a friend on the phone, it was really nice. She and I talked a bit about the below post. She agreed, that it is not the point of this really interesting anecdote to change how we live, but be mindful of it. She made an interesting point that differed from mine. (recap: mine was that we should be grateful for things we have and not take it for granted) She took from it this: We should not let the things that we have (i.e. mac, starbucks, cigar, clothes) define who we are. Who we are is found in God, first of all, in how we treat people, in how we act when we are alone and in the characteristics that build us a an individual. I really like this. Next in my day; I worked. I like my job (the deli at a grocery store). I worked with a girl who's in grade 10. It is really fun to work with her because she is talkative and has a very intelligent sense of humor. We worked really hard tonight to get customers because there is talk of the store closing, or cutting hours, and we both really need the money. That was fun. To take ownership of a job is what makes it or breaks it. I really like working now; I feel accomplished when I go home.

Feb. 3, 2010: Today, I was in the Eatons Centre. I walked in after smoking a cigar, then I went to the Apple store, then to get a Starbucks coffee at Indigo Book Store. These things that I did have meaning. Heck, I don't even like cigars. I do like the idea of smoking one, and the culture surrounding it. I like Macs, but really had no need to go to the Apple store. I love coffee, but mostly just wanted a Starbucks from Indigo to look like an intellectual who reads. :) When I was walking out of the book store, I saw an ugly old man straddling a bench, reading a book, and drinking Tim Hortans coffee. He was everything I wasn't in that moment. Content with what he had, and not trying to be something more. It was really eye opening. I probably will be changed by it. Humbled. I do know one thing, that maybe other people don't recognize. It is not that I need to change who I am, but just change my attitude about it. I need not take things for granted. It is a long road, and blessings are not for the hard-hearted. They are for the meek, humble, and wise. I hope to remember tonight. (when I wrote and recorded Divorce)